Talking About It

R came over, and sensing my mood, decided we should talk about the baby. More specifically, the reasons behind why I’m feeling so terrified. I pointed to the statistics, which aren’t good. The odds of a woman my age having a child with genetic defects is one in thirty-five. Then there are the genetic tests themselves which can cause miscarriage (one in thirty chance).

I also talked about the blogs and websites of pregnant women my age who seem to be rampantly bitter. That almost made me laugh because I could assume that this blog is seen as a pretty dark cloud in the world of blogs.

So, what’s the answer, I asked? You want me to not do research when we agreed that I should be well-informed about the decision I’m going to have to make (meaning am I going to have an abortion?) “Yes. I want you to stop going to negative baby sites.” He then joked about getting a parental control for the computer to block my searches before asking me on a more serious note, “If we have all the genetic testing done and this baby is fine, are you going to want to have an abortion just because you are going to be the oldest mom at soccer practice?” (He’s a pretty smart guy btw because after knowing me as short a time as we’ve known each other, he thinks like I do.) My answer was, “No.” Emphatically. Without a doubt. “If this baby is healthy–WE are having a baby. Can you get excited about that?”

“I light a candle every day with the prayer that this baby will be healthy.” He said and in that moment I wondered why I’ve been so worried. Yes, I’m still terrified that something will be wrong with this baby, and if something were terribly wrong that would still make me want to abort, I would be very sad…but at this moment, I want to be as positive as he is. I want to believe that everything is going to be alright because he believes everything is going to be alright.

Today, I’m lighting my own candle.