Still Not Talking About It

R came over tonight and we did normal things. We went to a movie, talked about the house we’re buying, there was a brief mention of our upcoming wedding date and honeymoon … Yes, we’re excited about moving into the new house, starting a life together, going to sleep in the same bed, waking up together …we will have a wonderful life together.

We didn’t mention baby. I did talk some about the symptoms …my boobs hurt…not a little, a lot …enough to take Tylenol and I never take anything. I told him he really didn’t want to know about the gross and disgusting things my body is going through. I don’t even want to know about the gross and disgusting and it’s happening to  me. I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland, having fallen down the rabbit hole. I am marrying a man I’ve known only a few months and I don’t know him well enough to divulge pissing a little when I cough, the fact that I have birthed three babies and never had even a single symptom of hemrroids but now, I can’t seem to go into the bathroom wth noticing I’m bleeding a little and it’s because I’m so freaking constipated, or that every time I brush my teeth my gums bleed, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot…

Yeah, it’s all disgusting …and not something I’m even remotely prepared to share.

I want to share this pregnancy with him, but for now, I can’t. I can’t talk about a baby that I’m not certain I’m going to have. I can’t even hint at how excited I might be getting because then he might break down and tell me he’s excited and then how would I ever be able to have an abortion if I decide I must. So, laying side by side, talking about other things, everything except the baby thing, his hand drifted over my still flat stomach and I knew he was thinking about the baby growing inside of me.