What Am I Thinking?

I picked up my teen at school today. I parked on the curb behind a van I assumed was also waiting for their child to come out and noticed their bumper sticker. It said, “My kid has more chromosomes than yours.”

My world tilted in that moment because I knew who was parked in front of me. It was Kaylee’s mom and Kaylee has Down Syndrom. I love Kaylee, she’s a beautiful girl, always so happy…so intuitive. It wasn’t her Down’s Syndrom or the thought that my child might have genetic defects because of my age …it was the thought that I see her mom as an old woman that tilted my world and sent me into panic mode.

I don’t know her age and I don’t want to … all I know was that in that moment I did  the quick math. If I am 44 when my baby is born, by the time she is my daughter’s age, I will be sixty. when I am picking up my child at shool, I will be the one the other’s see as old. My god, what am I thinking? I haven’t stopped crying since.

What am I going to do?

The question remains, should I have this baby?

I told R not to come over and see me again tonight. It’s been days but I can’t face him. I know in my heart that even though he hasn’t said it that he really wants this baby. I managed to ask him how he would feel, if I decided to not have this baby and he reassured me that it is my decision but how can it be solely my decision? My gut is wrenching. I’m a mess. I can’t imagine life with a baby … and now that I know I’m pregnant, I can’t imagine my life without this baby, because I think about the three daughters I have and I cannot imagine life without them and in another year, I will feel the same way about this new baby … if I can get to a year from now.

I made R sad while we talked and he thought he was saying all the wrong things but it wasn’t that. I couldn’t stop crying because I was surfing the web, trying to remember what it was like to have a baby in the house, so that I would know if I am excited about this pregnancy or not. I pulled up Maya Wraps, picked out the color of the one I want. I found leg warmers and found myself honestly wondering if I would be buying boy colors or girl colors. Then that led to the question that has came about each and every baby before, cloth or disposable? By then, I’m sobbing and R feels worse because he has no idea that I am looking at baby stuff and trying to work out the details in my head. He has no idea how much I really do want this baby …or that I am so terrified of wanting this baby.

I regretted having him stay away tonight.

I wish I had someone to talk to.