Can I do This Again?

I want this baby, even though I’m too old to be having a baby. Yes, I know it’s going to totally disrupt my life. I think almost every day how thankful I am that my children are grown (or at least very self-sufficient in the case of my teen at home) and that I am regaining freedoms long done without. I like staying out too late, drinking too much, sleeping until noon. I like spending a large portions of my income on non-necessities and cannot even imagine diverting my fun money back into diapers and formula. I really cannot imagine walking the floor all night with a feverish baby…

Then I think of the way it used to be…when I had a toddler that followed me everywhere and even going to the bathroom was no longer a solo event. I remember the tears because I just wanted left alone…if just for five minutes…and I wonder if I will be as selfish this time around.

I wasn’t patient last time.

Hell, I have no patience with my granddaughters …I want them to hurry up and learn to talk in full sentences so that I can communicate fully with them. Although, I’m constantly telling my oldest how lucky she is because I was so impatient. She talked and walked early, probably too early, because I pushed her. She was reading words by the time she was four and the classics by the time she was nine. We had intelligent conversations by the time she was nine as well …and she could consider major world issues before she was even a teen and articulate an informed opinion. I watch her now, pushing her own daughters …and I realize I may not have had her patience, but I did raise an incredible human being that I am so proud of. I raised a good adult.

The question is, can I do it again?