Reactions To The News

Oh hell, I told him over the phone …in a moment of fear and frustration …not at all the way I’d rehearsed in my head.

The sound he exhaled said more than any words could. It would take a while for the news to soak in, for the shock to wear off, but his immediate reaction wasn’t devastation, it wasn’t anger or pain …it sounded more like hope (but maybe it was just my own mind wanting it to be so.)

In the end, we agreed, the final decision will be mine …but that no decision will be made until genetic testing can be done because one thing is certain, as uncertain as I am about this pregnancy, I am very certain that I cannot raise an unhealthy baby. That sounds so selfish, so cold when I consider the implications …but I also have to be realistic. I know my limitations. I don’t want to abort but I can’t bring a child into this world who will be unable to be a functioning adult someday and I will not place the burden on my three grown daughters to take on the responsibility of a severely handicapped sibling after I’m gone.

Speaking of my daughters, I have no idea when or how to tell them. They are twenty-three, twenty-one, and fifteen. It has only been a few weeks since I told them I was marrying this man I barely know and they are still reacting to that news, each in their own way …though I seem to have the support of two out of three of them (and knowing their personalities as well as I do, that isn’t so bad.) But this news …this will have to wait until I know how I’m feeling …I have to be more certain that this baby is going to be born …and right now, I don’t have a clue. I just don’t know how I feel about this.